You might be confused. Angry. Even scared. It’s ok – you’d be weird if you didn’t feel that way. Your kid needs you, and this guide is a great place to start.
Being a parent is a wonderful experience but anyone who’s raised a child will tell you it’s also a tough job, especially as kids make the transition from childhood into adolescence and the teen-age years. You know those years, right? When hugs and kisses are replaced with “shrugs and disses.” The exasperated eye rolling. Where parents go from being all knowing and awesome to, well, “just drop me off here, I’ll walk the rest of the way….”
The awkwardness between parents and teens is universal and timeless (and not without a certain charm), but the usual brew of hormones, peer-pressure, and teen/parental angst pales to the unique struggles faced by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth, and their families.
Problems at School and at Home
While attitudes have certainly shifted over the years, gays and lesbians still face varying degrees of hostility from society that can be as subtle as a snub from a co-worker or classmate, or as violent as a physical attack. Most gay youth report feeling unsafe in their school due to their sexual orientation, with a majority reporting being verbally harassed and many also subjected to violence.(1)
Perhaps most painful of all, however, is when gay youth are rejected by their own families. Imagine having to go from an unaccepting school environment, say, to a household that's equally unfriendly. Gay youth make up a disproportionately high number of homeless teens, and no wonder: these kids often don't have a "home" or safe place to go when coping with harassment and abuse, and may even be forced from their homes by families who can’t, or won’t, accept them.(2)
Alphabet Soup
The letters GLBT are often used as an abbreviated way of referring to Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender individuals. Gay usually means a male who is attracted to other males, while Lesbian refers to females who are attracted to other females. Someone who is Bisexual might be attracted to either males or females. Transgender individuals are those who identify with a gender other than the one to which they were born, and may display characteristics (manner of dress, for example) of either gender.
Each group is distinct, unique in its identity and challenges. While doing so oversimplifies a complex array of issues, references in this document to Gay youth include anyone who might identify as GLBT.
So What Do I Do?
There’s much you can do to help your gay child feel loved and accepted.
As a first step, be kind to yourself. It’s understandable if you feel confused, angry, guilty, or even scared when learning your child is gay. Don’t be too hard on yourself for any “negative” feelings, and don’t expect to have all the answers. You don’t have to be perfect.
It’s easy to fixate on the sexual aspects of being gay, and parents should be aware that their gay children are complex, multifaceted individuals. Being gay is about much more than sex and the bottom line is people thrive when given love, respect, and acceptance. Gay teens need this just as much as their heterosexual counterparts.
Even if you are uncomfortable with your child’s sexual orientation, you can still love and support him or her. Remember that the things you want for your child - a good education, loving relationships, career success, health, happiness, making a difference in the world – don’t change because he or she is gay. The important thing is to recognize the challenges these kids face, and understand just how important to them your love and faith are.
So if you’re uncomfortable, acknowledge it, but also affirm that you care. Let them know you love them, even as you may find it difficult to understand or embrace everything about them. Again, don’t worry about being perfect, just be willing to love and allow them into your heart and your home.
Remember that gay teens are probably their own harshest critics. They’re almost certainly hurting. They really need you. Just knowing that parents love them is much more powerful than you can imagine. As one observer put it, “Once you’ve been rejected by your family….what’s left?”
Seek Support and Resources
For more guidance on effectively relating to gay and lesbian youth, visit these resources:
PFLAG – Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. PFLAG is an advocacy and education organization for GLBT individuals and their families. PFLAG’s Web site has resources for family members seeking to learn more about supporting gay loved ones.
GLSEN – Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. GLSEN promotes respect and acceptance of GLBT students in school settings.
ASHA sincerely thanks Mr. Donald Cavanaugh and the South Florida PFLAG organization for contributing inspiration, insight, information, and editorial assistance to this document.
References
1. Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network. 2001 National School Climate Survey: The School Related Experiences of our Nations Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth. J. Kosciw, ed. Retrieved online at
http://www.glsen.org/binary-data/GLSEN_ATTACHMENTS/file/221-1.pdf 2. M. Rosario and E. Schrimshaw. Homelessness among gay, lesbian, and bisexual youths: Health and psychosocial correlates. Data presented at the 132nd Annual Meeting of the American Public Health Association, Washington, D.C., November 2004.
