Hi, my name is Dane. I'm a 23-year-old whose life is over.
So I get a random blow job one night (biggest mistake of my life, hands down). About a week or so later I start noticing these tiny, flesh-colored bumps on my dickhead. I go to a doctor, he says they're nothing, and that they were probably there all along. This would have been comforting news, but for the fact that they definitely weren't there before. Anyway, they have been getting more numerous/noticeable ever since.
All my life I have been pretty careless about washing my hands after touching my junk (never saw any reason to). Well, because of my habits, I have managed to spread these mysterious bumps all over my body. Now I have bumps all across my lips that look exactly like the ones on my guy. I also have them on my eyelids (along with vision that has spontaneously become way more blurry than normal). I've spotted a few of them on my gums. They are also all up in my nostrils (yeah, I've been known pick my nose; not in public though!) This isn't even the worst of it.
Recently, my hearing has become muffled/muted, and I have this weird feeling of some kind of obstruction in my ears. I bet if I could look in there I'd find the same bumps I'm seeing everywhere else on my body. Worst of all, I have this really uncomfortable feeling in my throat, like it's more constricted than it should be. It feels like my throat is getting tighter every day, and at times breathing is somewhat difficult. I have to assume that by incessantly chewing on my lips the past few months I have allowed these f#$%ing bumps to colonize my throat (not that hard to imagine, given these bumps were apparently living in someone's mouth/throat to begin with). Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I'm f#$%d.
I can barely sleep; I've quit my job; I'm probably going to have to drop out of law school and move back in with my parents. If my symptoms keep progressing like this, I anticipate that I'll either (1) choke to death on my own larynx or (2) self-destruct.
If it's not clear already, I'm pretty sure I have contracted the most improbable case of HPV in history, made all the more unfortunate by the fact that neither of the doctors I've seen could detect anything officially wrong with me.
F#$% the universe. I used to enjoy life. These days, I just want it to end.
Obviously I don't expect anyone here to be able to give me any magical advice that will make my problems go away. I guess I just felt the need to express my thoughts/feelings to a group of folks who might be able to understand where I'm coming from.