I've tried a psychologist and maybe now I should try a psychiatrist. I'd like to avoid drugs if I can.
No there's not more going on besides the passing of "oral" herpes, ie she had what I saw to be a cold sore lesion on her lip in April, 4 days after we shared a straw of milk (big mistake). She also caught pink eye a few days later and I was told that a secondary infection is quite common when you get your first infection. It never crusted or anything like that and the pediatrician said it was likely because we got to it quickly (We saw him on the second day of me noticing the infection). I was told it was a "mild" infection but infected is infected. End of story.
I have had cold sores since I was a kid and was always self conscious about it and I was "shocked", to put it mildly, when I received genital herpes 15-20 years ago. It was my second boyfriend and my second sexual partner. Obviuosly not so for him, he was the quintiscential bad boy. My husband is the third and will be the last. I finally came to manage that it wasn't the end of the world, with the help of my husband, and since "94 was successful at not passing it to him for many years.
I guess what I'm saying is that I had learned to live with the fact that I have this thing (and it feels like I always have it genitally and now orally more often too) but the idea that my child/children will have this and it's because of me and they are so young, well, it's more than I can cope with. If this virus would infect and that's it maybe that would be even easier but I know that they can reinfect themselves elsewhere if they're not careful. And if I can't be careful, then how can I expect it from a child?
I always thought I could keep this from them, knowing how miserably depressed it made me in my life, I always thought that I would never make that mistake. The first psychologist said "never say never" but I'm a perfectionist and a nervous person anyway, especially with my children, so this has put me over the edge. I can see what it's doing to me but I'm having a tough time turning it around.
My two girls are my everything. With my husband's love and then their safe arrival healthy and happy, I felt like God had given me a second chance in life, and I was thankful for it and I was determined not to let him or them down. I am a stay at home Mom so we spend a lot of time together. My Mom was a stay at home Mom and the closest thing to a "saint", in my opinion, as I have met on earth. I took precautions like never bathing with them or even swimming. How badly she wanted me to join at the pool for birthdays parties, and how badly I wanted to, but I wouldn't. Your children are supposed to be able to trust you, they look to me for whether it's ok to eat something junky or play with a special toy or teach them when it's safe to cross the street, etc and I feel like I've let them down horribly. I feel l don't deserve them, these perfect innocent beings.
Is that extreme? Wouldn't any Mom feel this away about passing a life long virus along to her children? I can't fix it for them and it's killing me. My husband says that I see them as damaged now, and he doesn't. Perhaps there's some truth in that, I've hurt them, in a sense. Before "this" we had an idyllic life. They wrestled, they kissed, they bathed together, played otgether. They are two awesome girls who are good friends, and that's what I was trying to foster with them and was doing ok, if I do say so myself. But now I jump at the moment there is close contact between them to try and teach them the "new" way. Ironic thing is ithat I'll probably be the one who messes up again and then were will I be?
They lost their Grandpa in February and that was hard and I failed at getting them there on time (not late but not early as was expected) so I felt I failed there too, and I'm 40+ so I suppose there could be a hormonal thing going on . But I feel all that I could have managed except for this one last thing.
I'm feeling completely imcompetent. I just want to be rid of this virus so I can safely kiss and love them with joy and passion, but I won't because I'm nervous about what I'll pass to them. Then the simple sharing of a straw takes all those years of precauton and flushes it down the toilet. I'm devestated and tired of having herpes run/ruin my life. I want my life back. I was actually a happy person before this, as confirmed by my GP.