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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 4:54 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
I just have to share with someone.
I feel so alone and hopeless. My husband and I deal with genital herpes. He is the one that has the symptoms and I don't. We've both taken meds for it but I never showed any signs. I've only had yeast infections or UTI's. Maybe those weren't but I went to the doc and that's what they said and the vaginal cremes and antibiotics cleared it up right away. And when I had tests done they all came back negative. Although the suck part is I was never tested for the herpes because I always thought that was included in the tests (WRONG!) I have even had 5 children and they do all kinds of test for precautions. I have the tests results that were sent back to me. I even showed them to my husband. They even tested me for HPV by my gyno and still came out negative, but still not enough that's why I told my husband I was clean of any std's and HIV. And he said he got all kinds of tests also HIV and was negative while he was in prison. So again we both thought we were std clear. WRONG! Somewhere it was lurking just waiting for the right time to rear it's ugly head and try to destroy our marriage and our lives.
My husband is a good man.But he has became so frustrated with all this stuff, he has seen several docs and 1 young id doc who probably could have worded things alittle differently. The problem is still here and he has tried RX's but one for only a month ( acyclovir ) and another for 1 week (valtrex ) a very strong dose and he said it wasn't working so he threw them out. Those are quite pricey by the way. He has given up, but I look and read and search for something but I need him to participate. He says he hates me and he loves, but he calls me names and says I'm disgusting and nasty. What do I do with that? How do I respond? He gets mad if I don't say anything. He says I don't care because I don't have the itching or irritation and everything else he goes through. He also says he only gets the breakout when ever we have sex. I don't understand. I'm lost. I've talked with the id specialist and the id doc believes they're is something else underlining the issue but I can't get him to go back to the doc. He says no one can help him with it and is doomed for the rest of his life and never to enjoy sex again. He even slept in the livingroom on the couch for 3 weeks. He eventually came back to our room but the vicious cycle started all over again. Is there anyone out there that can relate to us ??? please Help!!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 5:19 pm 
Site Admin

Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:08 pm
Posts: 2122
Location: North Carolina
Hi nodnarb,

Welcome to our herpes message boards; I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry this has all been so difficult for you and your husband. The emotional stress can be as hard in many cases as any of the symptoms, and is often much harder to address. The name-calling and blaming is difficult, to be sure, and sometimes partners direct their frustration and pain at their loved one. Don't be afraid to seek counseling or help if you need it. If you need to talk with someone you can call Hopeline at 800-784-2433.

Review information on our Web site about herpes and relationships at http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_em ... onship.cfm.

First, understand that herpes in relationship does not mean anyone has done anything wrong. Genital herpes is very common, with as many as 1 out of 5 adults in the U.S. thought to have the HSV-2 virus (the type of herpes most often associated with genital infection). For most, symptoms are mild and unrecognized and it can be years before anything is diagnosed, so herpes in a long-term relationship doesn't have to mean at all that anyone was unfaithful. Herpes is most often transmitted from a partner who never knew they have the virus.

Outbreaks can work very differently for people, with some having them more often, and more severly, than others. Usually the immune response slows both frequency and duration of outbreaks over time, but for those who need it medication can be a huge help. For example, your husband may want to ask his doctor about taking medicine everyday for awhile as a "suppressive therapy" approach, which usually reduces the outbreaks considerably. A study with one drug, Valtrex, showed daily use could also reduce the likelihood of transmission to a partner. Read more at http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_le ... ment.cfm#1. It might also be helpful for you to know your status re: HSV-2, so you can ask your health care provider for a type-specific herpes blood test.

I hope this helps let us know if we can help you or your husband with more info or resources.

Best,
Fredo

_________________
ASHA Moderator


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:34 am 

Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:20 am
Posts: 4
Hi,
I just wanted to say that I didn't have much luck with Valtrex or Acyclovir, and have had success with Famvir - so your husband might want to try it. I can see why he is upset - imagine yourself in a situation where you feel you can't even have a normal sex life. I hope Famvir can work for him, and there are other drugs out there.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 3:57 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
If you've never been tested for hsv2 - why not get tested to see if you have to worry about transmission or not. From your post I was under the impression that you've never been tested for hsv2 even though your hubby has it?

have you 2 tried any counseling? If he won't go - go yourself! It sounds like your husband has issues that go way beyound genital herpes. Just because he wants to be miserable and play the "oh woe is me" card doesn't mean you have to play it too!!! You deserve to be treated better honey - and I mean that far, far, far beyond the fact that genital herpes is an issue in your household! If he doesn't want to continue to follow up with doctors to see if it's all herpes going on or herpes along with something else that's his issue but it's putting your physical and emotional health at risk. You need to build your self esteem and set limits in your relationship. Your happiness is important and if he's sleeping on the couch then you aren't happy honey :(

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:10 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
about the issue of knowing how my husband feels. I absolutely understand just becusee I don't have ob doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. Ok- so the other medication didn't work but you have to use it for more than 1 week or at least a month. the body has to have time to adjust and accept if after the month and it still going on then go back to the doctor and try something else but the key thing is you have to keep trying and not give up.you actually have to go to the doctor. and the biggest thing here is there is no room for blaming someone else.He could have carried the virus way before our marriage. and yes i have been tested for both virus through a blood test. but thank you.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:15 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Betsy
thanks but you've read my other e-mails. look at my name yes I am doing counseling and my husband did leave. And you know what this isn't my fault! it's just life deal with it .


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:44 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Sorry nodnarb - it gets hard remembering who is who when there are numerous posts and I don't always remember everyone's past posts when replying. Keeping everyone's story seperate isn't always very easy!!!


betsy


Last edited by betsyb1967 on Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:48 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 12:19 pm
Posts: 21
Hey nod -

I know its frustrating, but there are a lot of posts by a lot of members, and try to keep in mind that you aren't the only one Betsy is helping. It can get hard to keep them all straight.

You got good advice from her, and she never said it was your fault.

Jess


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 5:19 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Hi Betsy, I just wanted to say sorry if I came off so harsh. I appreciate very much your advice and support.,along with everyone else that adds their support, thank you!
It's been awhile since I last visited the site. Alot has changed my husband has moved out. And his feelings for me have only gotten worst. He went to a counselor by himself for a couple of times but I don't know if he has continued. I'm actually ok. Even though it really hurts that he can't believe me that I never knew I had the herpes virus. If only we could turn back time, but not doable. Everytime he does even start to talk TO me, not with me, he starts the whole thing over you won't be honest etc. I try so hard not to let it tear me apart but sometimes I loose the battle. I have children who need me and I have to remember that. But to ever have a life for me seems so far away, just to really feel some real genuine joy. I do know sometime, someday I will have it.
For anyone out there that is even in a similar situation. This board is so helpful just to write and share. Again thanks for all of your support.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 2:17 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Not a problem - I realize folks are stressed when they come here initially.

I'm sorry your husband hasn't been able to deal with this after all :(

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 12:02 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Thank you Betsy for understanding, and again thank you for your support.
I wanted to share this with you and ask your input on this. My husband has just moved back and really wants to try but he still is hung up on the issue that he believes I knew about having the virus before we were intimate and he believes I just didn't tell him.
I did however look on line at the westoverheights website and I requested to see if I could order their herpes info video. I got to review on my computer it covers every accusation that my husband has thrown at me and other topics he just can't seem to grasp. I downloaded it ,but it breaks up on my computer, so if my husband is willing to watch it, it would take awhile. Hopefully they'll let me buy it from them.
He really does love me, but he really has alot of emotional issues and not just the herpe issue. Somewhere, somehow he has lost alot of his trust in me and I don't know what I have done? Will we ever get close again?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:23 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
The video on westover heights is actually the video that Terri made for gsk. You could try emailing/calling them for a copy of the video. They also have some really terrific info on herpes for patients they'll probably send you too ( I get better luck calling them then emailing them ).

If your husband doesn't believe you then it's a trust issue for the both of you. You could try taking him with you to a doctor's appointment and having your doctor tell him but to be honest - try hard to get him back into therapy with you. This relationship won't strengthen if he's able to just move in and out as he wants whenever he thinks he's right and you are lying. If you can't regain the trust in the relationship - then what do you have? Yeah maybe he just needs more time to realize that he's being stupid about it all but it's not fair to you meanwhile to never know if he's staying or going.

betsy


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