After reading all the posts and scenarios in this forum, it makes me extremely sad. I was diagnosed with both I & II in menopause and was horrified, embarrassed and now feel my sexual life is over. Like HIV or any STD, it is something that must be discussed before sexual activity begins and may end a relationship when an emotional connection has already begun. Who wants to put your heart out there when it can easily be stomped on after the disclosure?

It makes me angry to see this disease being used as a basis to end or hold hostage partners in relationships. The blame and/or guilt game is more powerful than the disease. It is also very disappointing that more information is not given by OB/GYN's during yearly examinations. In hindsight, I've had both viruses for at least 15 years and didn't know it.

My embarrassment comes from not being promiscuous. My new OB/GYN said all it takes is one encounter of unprotected sex with someone who also didn't know they had it or knew and didnt' tell. Whatever the case, there is no cure, only management. Even monogomous couples must use protection unless both are infected and the emotional roller coaster a relationship must go through after disclosure.

What burns me the most is all the smiling, hugging, and clinging couples depicted on the Valtrex commercials as if this isn't such a big deal. Well, newsflash, this is a big deal! Why would someone who is "clean" want to risk infection? An outbreak for me is painful, accompanied by fever despite the use of the 3 day Valtrex treatment plan. And the Valtrex blows up my face as if I were on prednisone.

My heart goes out to all of the young people posting here who must endure the trials, tribulations and humiliation of ignorant partners especially if you wish to enter into a committed relationship and have children.

I'm an old bag now and unless I find someone EXTREMELY special who is also infected, I will not put someone at risk no matter what.

No, Herpes is not a death sentence but it's still a stigma until there's a cure.

in reply to Lago*morphmom,
Yeah you know this whole herpes thing just plain sucks! My marriage has fallen apart were hanging by shredds- if that.
Now what do I do ? Where do I go with this? I'm so confused. The media is totally bogus!!! And you know the STD label is just straight wrong it's just not a sexually contracted disease. As young children we are exposed to HSV 1 by getting a big wet sloppy kiss from Grandma June or Uncle Bob so that label " STD" is so wrong. Which makes the poor victims of this disease feel and I say feel- so disgusting dirty and vile to others. ?Especially with your loved one. It is the most horrfic feeling to be in love with your husband so much you'd give him the moon and he absolutely finds you disgusting and hates your guts for this virus. This just sucks!!!!!!!

I too felt sad and embarrassed when I was diagnosed. Then I started reading. The internet, library books, anything I could find. I told my sister as soon as I found out Then I told my boyfriend. We have been together about a year so either he's had it and didn't know, or I had it and didn't know. I still felt embarassed, and dirty. I told my best friend, I told my dad. I stopped myself from telling my co-workers and casual acquaintances because there's a difference between not being embarassed and just none-of-your-business.

I know that this is a painful and emotional disease, but you had it for 15 years without even knowing it! Now you do and you can use safer sex to protect your partner. Yes, it's not perfect, it's not 100%, but as long as you're honest with a potential partner, let him make his own choice. You don't have to eliminate sex from your life completely.

You bet it sucks. But life without human touch sucks even more. Good luck.

Just to let you know that I am HSV- but dated a woman with genital herpes. We stayed together for 18 months. So yes, there are people who are "clean" who are willing to take this journey with you.

DM

My heart shares your pain, Lago. I am post menopausal, just having left a 20 year marriage lacking any emotion. I found someone who was very loving, we became intimate too soon and now I have HSV 2. Unfortunately, this dear man needs to move back home - to England! I started dating one other and he really liked me, made me feel like a queen, but since he found out about the herpes, he doesn't feel as if he can continue. I feel as if I wasted my whole life. I finally have the chance to find love again after suffering in that marriage and I blew it. I may as well have stayed with him because at least I'd be financially stable. It does feel hopeless...my new friend said he read a lot on it and it doesn't make him feel very comfortable. I want to be one of those smiling faces on teh commercials and I know I never will be.

Don't let the "idea" of herpes do a number on you!!! Really it's far , far, far too common to let it be the reason why you stay home on a saturday night!! I've had hsv2 for 20 years now and in all those years - I've only ever had 1 person decide it was too much of a risk to take. It's not the deal breaker most folks think it must be. Educate yourself and your partners on it and take precautions they really do work.

Yes there is not a cure for it at this time Thankfully the vast majority of people who have genital herpes can be controlled with daily suppressive therapy. If you are in a discordant couple ( where one has herpes and the other doesn't ) consider daily suppressive therapy no matter how many ob's you have - it's worth the peace of mind especially in a new relationship where you are both getting to know each other and to see if things might work out long term or not. It's up to you and your partner as to if you want to use condoms all the time or utilize barrier protection for oral sex. You don't have to - it's totally up to the two of you.

I highly recommend the info about herpes both on ashas's site and also the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com. Both are filled with terrific info to learn more about herpes and stop being afraid of it!! It's not the end of dating as you know it unless you let it be.

betsy

I know this is an old thread, but i am new to the forums and am trying to soak in as much knowledge about all of this as I can.. and i certainly understand where Lagomorph Mom is coming from. I was diagnosed a long time ago actually.. but never knew about these forums.. and I guess never really *dealt* with the emotional aspect of this. I did a little bit.. but it's all coming back up for me again. I have been rejected several times because of it... and it HURTS. A lot.

Betsy, thanks for the link to that book. I probably will get it.. but I have a book in my hands currently, and I was wondering if it is still worth reading, or if it's info is out of date. It's called "The Truth About Herpes", by Stephen L. Sacks M.D. third edition.

Thanks

It's good for the basics - just hasn't been updated in quite some time. Dr Sacks passed away a few years ago now.

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

I can certainly understand the pain and horror, the embarrassment and disappointment, at being newly diagnosed. I was there almost two years ago. This borad has CERTAINLY been the biggest help- I read as much information as I could get my hands on, all the pamphlets, the westoverheights website, the book. I have told very few people, as while I am more at peace with my "disease," I have not wanted to see the pity on their faces, but the two partners I have had, and told, they were willing to take the risk. If you've read my previous post, I have yet to tell my current partner, and am mortified and dying at that "decision."

This disease does NOT have to cut out/off your personal life, nor does it have to be the end of a physical relationship. But "the discussion" does, and SHOULD be, at the beginning of it, before it even starts. Because trust me, the discussion AFTER, is much more difficult...

Hang in there... Find someone to talk to, whether it's a trusted friend or a therapist. It feels like it, but this is NOT the end of the world.

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Dance like nobody's watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on earth.

I just want to say i'm newly diagnosed about 2 months ago. and i had to tell my 2 past parnters and they both were very understanding that i didn't know i had to and both tested negative after. I recently got to the point with a guy that I had to have "the conversation" and it went just fine. I educated him and he was willing to still has sex. It was wonderful feeling to still be wanted and to know that you still can have a normal relationship just be safe just as you should be!!!!

Can you remember how the talk went? .. I mean.. maybe type it out? Maybe I am just not doing a good job of having the actual talk?????? *sigh* I need pointers. I hate being rejected period.. but especially for something I am not in control of. You know.. If someone rejects me because I am overweight.. well that's my fault.. I can control that.. I can go on a diet or whatever, but I cant get rid of the herpes.. and it's very frustrating.

i made the guy wait for sex a little bit. we messed around and stuff. We got to know eachother more. I was kinda straight forward and was like i was to tell you something before we ever had sex. It was really hard but the responsible thing to do. I educated him a little on genital herpes 1 which is what i have and he was ok with it.

Thank you for your feedback.