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 Post subject: telling the truth
PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:16 am 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Am I the only one who never new? Now Bam my husband is dealing with genital herpes physically and emotionally. I keep tellling him the truth but he just refuses to believe I never new. I have never had symptoms. I went to get a blood test and it came + to hsv1 and hsv2 antibodies. I am 41 yrs old with five children I have been married before and had a past relationship for 3yrs. I got together with my husband and we have been together for 6 yrs. We began this ordeal years ago it was confirmed 2yrs ago now. He tested+ for genital herpes by culture because he had sores. I asked my last relationship partner, which we had a child together if he had any issues or breakouts or had his new wife had any issues in that area ( which was quite awkward but it needed to be done) and he said no they don't. And I'm sure he would have contacted me right away had they any issues. I also asked my ex-husband about him and his new wife and he also replied no. It was actually pretty uncomfortable as well, but I had to know. I have gotten these answers and shared them with my husband but he still refuses to believe me and he is going crazy with this whole thing. He has moved out and I guess were over. He has even taken it to the part where he said I new all along and what I have done to him is illegal and that it wants to press charges against me because I new from the get go. I am devasted about the whole thing. This has me in shredds I'm hurt and so heartbroken and just so alone. I feel so hated. What does someone say to something like this? What can someone do?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:12 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Have you and your husband tried marital counseling? It sounds like he has a lot of anger that he's directing at you that needs dealt with. Since he's moved out I'm guessing he's not doing very well at handling it on his own so it's time for professional help. He may only think that his contracting herpes is the issue.

Studies have consistantly shown time and time again that over 90% of those infected with hsv2 have no idea they have it until tested. If neither of you had ever had a herpes blood test before you met - there's no easy way to determine who had it first and gave it to whom or if even you both had it prior to meeting . Studies have also found that over 50% of those who think they are having a first time herpes ob - have actually been infected with the virus already and just didn't know it so even though he thinks that was his first ob - it might not have been. You can't rely on an absence of symptoms as meaning no infection ( that goes for your past partners too - they should get tested to know their status - not just assume no symptoms means no infection - hopefully your calling them and asking what you did prompted them to get type specific igg blood tests ). When your husband was diagnosed as having herpes - did he have a blood test too or just the lesion culture?

If you had never been diagnosed as having genital herpes - there's no way he can pursue legal action against you. How can he hold against you something that you had no idea you even had? He's angry and taking it out on you - because he can.

Your situation is far more common than most folks expect. Everyone thinks that if you had herpes you'd know it immediately and be plagued by frequently recurring, painful , obvious lesions when the reality is that most folks who have it - have such mild symptoms that they don't even realize they could be herpes or they are even misdiagnosed by medical professionals. I know folks who have figured out that they had hsv2 for 10, 15 or more years before they ever got an obvious symptom or they transmitted it to a partner and found out then. Unfortunately it's still not a part of routine std testing even at most clinics so folks think they are getting tested for the whole shebang when they ask for std testing and have no idea most times that they aren't getting tested for herpes.

I hope you and your husband can work thru this - herpes is far, far, far too common of a virus to let it be the reason why a marriage disolves like this :(

betsy


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 Post subject: telling the truth
PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 7:02 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Betsy, my husband only received the culture test. The doctors didn't even tell him what kind or if it was Igg or Im. As a matter of fact they were so difficult making him run here and there and not having the right doctor. His pcp really didn't want to test him she sent him to someone else because she wouldn't give him the blood test she just wanted the culture. She could have given him the blood and then if she didn't want to do the culture herslef send him to a different doctor. It was all so insane and the waiting was just to much so nerve racking for both of us. Thank you for your advice on the marital counseling. But I have suggested that repeatedly even solo counseling for himself I already go.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 3:07 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
I'm glad you are already getting counseling even if he isn't willing to go with you.

If he only had a culture then there's no way to know if it was a new infection for him or not. Has he had recurrences at all? ( the igm and igg are with the blood tests - not the culture tests - just an fyi )

do you think he'd be willing to check out any of the online herpes support boards? www.herpeshomepage.com is a terrific place for him to check out to read what others have went thru and to post his own story for feedback. Also ASHA has a list of HELP groups on their herpes section to see if one is near him for him to go check out to get face to face support.


I'm sorry your hubby has let this control his world for the last 2 years :( It sounds like he has some serious issues to work thru over all this. Big hugs sweety !

betsy


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 Post subject: telling the truth
PostPosted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:19 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am
Posts: 16
Location: USA
Thank you Betsy,
this board has been sooo supportive for ME. I get so overloaded with anxiety and all kinds of emotions. But when I read and share, just the writing with someone unknown but still relating to what I'm going through helps so much.
You know the ironic thing is that I work in an infectious disease office with some very great doctors who have talked with me and are willing to see and help my husband but with all his bad experiences with other doctors he refuses to go back in. There is one doctor who I work for who is a specialist ID doc who has been for over 30 years.I made the mistake of making him an appointment with one of the younger docs a good one but not as experienced with patient communication I guess, not to mention she was a female (oops), in my rush to have him get in for an appointment. I should have made it with the one who was much more experienced and who is a male who could understand on a males point of view especially knowing how my husband was feeling about the whole issue. Well, it's to late now damage is done. I only tried to help our situation. So I do understand the terms of igg and igm testing and cultures swabs etc. That's what's so difficult and frustrating for me is that I know there are treatments and help and support systems to help people really get educated and understand and to live normal lives.But again my husband won't listen and the old cliche' "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".
At this particular moment I feel so shattered I guess you could say and I need to face reality that my husband is gone and I will be alone with my children. It just hurts so much and I can't change anything about the whole situation. So if anyone reads this God be with you and PLEASE remember their is help and support somewhere you just have to be willing to look for it and never quit and you shouldn't blame anyone.Things just happen when you don't know and there is lack of knowledge. NOW I know, to bad I didn't know then about testing for a specifc STI before my relationship. It waould have saved alot of heartache and misery. Thank you again for all your support ASHA


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