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 Post subject: When & how??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:24 pm 

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:43 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio
Hi everyone. I have been looking at the post's on here and they are helpful but I am in need of advice. I was diagnosed with genital herpes back in 2008. I never knew I had herpes until I went to my md for a check up and asked to be tested for everything. The doctor mentioned that she also checked blood work for genital herpes. A week later I received the most devasting news...I had herpes. Since the time that I was diagnosed I was so mad, angry, sad, devasted but most of ashamed. I never had an outbreak or any symptoms. Last year in Nov 2009 went to the doctor because I felt a bump and it was painful. The culture came back positive for herpes. I havent had any outbreaks since then..thank goodness! It's really hard dealing with this virus and all the emotions and feelings that come with it. I was getting depressed and had to seek help because I didnt want this to stop me from living my life! I felt like everyone knew...the stigma of society. Well, recently I met someone and we are hitting if off great! The only problem is I don't know how and when to tell him that I have herpes. I want to take this friendship/relationship slow and not make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. I feel sad and wonder why me? I havent dated anyone for 4 yrs and I know that my ex fiance knew he had this virus but never told me. I dont know how to tell this man and when. Do I tell him now before feelings start to develop? Do I wait a few months and see if things work out? When do I tell him? How do I tell him? I want him to keep this in confidence because we know the same people and I dont want to be more devasted than I am now knowing that other people know I have herpes. People can be cruel! If I tell him he will probably walk away. I feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I'm almost 40 years old and I don't want to be alone. Sorry that this is so long but this is the only place I know of where I can get advice. Thank you.


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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 9:01 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Welcome to the board :)

So when do you have "the talk"? Remind yourself that this isn't a confession, it's a discussion that you should have with every single partner you are sexually interested in. You need to talk about it all - their std testing, birth control, condom use and your own std testing. So when do you do it? well that part is up to you. I know it doesn't get remotely easier the longer you wait. If you've had a couple of dates and think it's time, then do it. You can even say, even though I'm personally not quite ready to start having sex with you yet, I feel there are a couple of things we should talk about and get out of the way before it gets to that point. When you are done with your discussion, remind him that this is private medical information about yourself that you prefer he doesn't share with others because it's a sensitive issue for you. Never apologize for having herpes and don't include saying "I'm sure you'll want to leave me now" or anything like that in your discussion. This is something you have, you can't change it but you can control it for the most part and deal with it. You can get a male partner's risk down to 1%/year of contracting hsv2 from you. That's the same as the ideal usage pregnancy rate from the birth control pill. At least with herpes you can take a pill a day and control it. No way you can take a pill a day and control a baby can you? he he he ( if only! )

It's been 4 years, time to start living your life again :) Trust me, herpes is such small potatoes compared to all the other issues the people we date have in their lives at our age. Crazy ex spouses, debts, drinking issues etc are far worse to deal with day to day than herpes is don't you think?

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:04 pm 

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:43 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio
Hi Betsy. Thank you for your advice. I need to follow this advice because it's the best advice that i have received. Like you said, I need to start living my life after 4 years and not be afraid! We are going out tomorrow night on our official first date. I get to pick the restaurant and he get's to pick the movie! I just hope it's not a scary one..(hehe). But then again if it is, then that is my excuse to grab his hand. You are right about when I feel is the right time to tell him and make it a conversation not a confession. Why is that some of us choose to talk like it's a confession? I think it's the feeling of being rejected or looked at differently. It's true about what people deal with besides g/h. Like alcohol, drugs, crazy ex's, etc. Those types of situations don't usually work out for a couple. I will keep you posted and thank you again from the bottom of my heart!


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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:42 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
For some reason we have continued to believe that if you get a std , you must be "bad". Even though society inundates us with sex - billboards, commercials, clothing stores etc, it's still somehow "wrong" to be having sex. makes absolutely no sense! we go to the grocery store and the check out gal is coughing and sneezing and we think nothing of it when we start coughing and sneezing a few days later and all we did was touch money she did or be within 3 feet of her and inhaling droplets from her nose/mouth when she exhales/sneezes. Somehow we think though that swapping spit, sweating and naked and exchanging body fluids with someone in the bedroom isn't going to transmit any germs. These are contact diseases and really aren't any different from anything you can get from drinking contaminated water, breathing within 3 feet of someone or even touching a grocery cart! Tack on sexually transmitted to something and all of a sudden it's changed it all in many of our minds. ok getting off my soap box....

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:32 am 

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:43 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio
So true! If someone at work coughs or sneezes without covering their mouths or using a tissue we think automatically that we are going to catch what they have. Ugghhh...society! lol. Well, I went on our date and toward the end of the night I had my "talk" with him! I felt this was the right time because I didnt want to make things worse on either of us if I decided to wait any longer. I know that we are both attracted to each other and no one wants to get hurt. I guess I was shocked at his reaction! He was so cool about it! He asked me questions in which I had answers for! He knew a little about g/h and precautions and risks. He understood everything. I guess he might be a keeper..hehehe..it's a good thing though.. :D This site is the best place to come for positive re-inforcement and for answers. Glad I found this site! I will keep things posted. Thanks again!


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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 2:02 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Oh cool! Glad you got it out of the way and have opened up the discussion about it with him!

Is he going to get tested to see what his own status is?

betsy

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ASHA Moderator


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 Post subject: Re: When & how??
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:16 pm 

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:43 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Ohio
Yes he is. He has been tested but not recently. I told him it's best to go and get tested.


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