Well, I was on here a year ago after being diagnosed with H through a blood test and being totally clueless that I had it due to no apparent symptoms. I want everyone to know that before I was dx, I had the stereotypical negative notions about H. Before I found out about myself, a friend told me she had it and I thought "boy, I'm glad I don't have that." Seriously, I was soo ignorant. I feel pretty fortunate because I don't have symptoms from H that interfere with my life.

I was single when I found out and have been until now. I'm 40 and I've been dating this wonderful man (who's 50) since December, so it's currently over two months. We really click! We've held off on sex and I've been trying to decide how to tell him. He ended up telling me that his ex-wife had HPV so there is a chance that he could have it. I told him I wasn't worried about it because I had it when I was 22 and have had negative pap smears for the last 18 years and that, even though, he could have a different strain that could lead to cervical cancer in me, that I was willing to take that risk and keep up with pap smears because it's soo hard to find someone you're connected with. Guess I was planting the seed to let him know that I think our connection is worth pursuing despite manageable STDs.

Sooo, I told him about my diagnosis. Told him that I never had a clue I had it due to no symptoms but that he could still get it even though I have no symptoms. I made an appointment with my gyno and offered for him to come along to learn and ask questions, but he decided not to go. My doctor told me about starting Valtrex to reduce risk of spreading, which I plan to start. I told this guy about that and I gave him the Herpes Handbook and rest of the packet of materials that my doctor had given me a year ago and also printed info. from asha for him to read. I told him about the statistics etc. This was my first time having to tell and it was very difficult.

He said he needs time to learn about H and consult with his own doctor before making a decision. He plans on getting tested. His appointment isn't until 2 more weeks. I guess I'm struggling because he is basically telling me that he may end it with me depending on how he feels about what he learns. I'm just hanging out here waiting. I know he deserves to take the time he needs to learn, just like I needed to, but he has the same negative views of H that I use to. He is still treating me the same, i.e., wonderful. Told me his feelings for me haven't changed. I think I just need to be patient. It's just soo hard. I wonder what family doctors tell patients in his shoes???

My big question is this. I've been told that standard STD testing normally doesn't include HSV. I've read that most people never know they have HSV. Based on this, I think the reported herpes statistics may be off the mark and that it may be A LOT more people than we think. My gyno totally agreed with me. What's your view on the stats??

Finally, I want people to know that I'm glad I told him even if he dumps me. I couldn't have lived with the guilt and stress of not telling and moving forward sexually. Believe me, I thought about it, but I see a future with him and I thought what kind of start would that be to lie to him.

Thanks, and sorry soo long! Take care!!

If it means anything.... I'm proud of you & thankful to know there are honest people out there. I know that what you did was tough. I just went through similar situation. Funny how Betsy always talks about how petty this really is in the big picture of a relationship. It really is true I think. When it comes down to it, the guy that's gonna stick through it with you and be by your side is going to love you with or without this....and it'll probably come down to other things in the end. Stay strong & have faith that the right one will be there with you no
matter what. I hope it works out for you after he's had time to digest.

Actually the stats are pretty accurate. The ones we quote regularly come from the NHANES survey's and are done on completely random groups. Other studies typically support the NHANES though sometimes they are higher if they are all patients seen at std clinics ( more likely to go to a std clinic if you have symptoms so that makes sense ).

I'm glad you talk went fairly well and I hope you stop back to keep us posted! As far as what his doc tells him, unfortunately that depends on his doctor's level of education about herpes as well as his own personal bias Fingers crossed the person he sees is up to date and doesn't let his own personal feelings influence what he tells patients. You did the right thing giving your partner accurate info that he can read so that he will know if his provider is up to date or not on his info.

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

Thank you very much, Betsy and Fearful! I will be sure to post the outcome of this situation with this guy. Honestly, now that I know how mild or even non-existent the symptoms can be, I really don't feel like it's a big deal. Certainly not a big enough deal to warrant having a scarlet letter placed on you, but that reality is why I guard my status info. from even my closest friends. Like everything, unless you've dealt with it, it's hard for a person to understand.

Thanks again! Good luck with your situation Fearful!

I always remind folks that at least you can control herpes somewhat with a pill or two a day. the older you get , the more baggage you have to drag around that can't be so easily controlled. Herpes can't hold a candle to out of control debts, kids, bad manners, drug use etc.

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

Hi Betsy,

Update: he went to the doctor and got his blood work done. We are suppose to find out this Friday. The doctor answered his questions about herpes and told him that "given the fact that he was in a monogamous relationship with his ex-wife starting in 1989, that he probably doesn't have herpes." However, his ex-wife was sleeping with someone else and that's what ended their marriage. I didn't ask him if he slept with her at the same time. Also, as I said in my first post, his ex was dx supposedly with HPV, but for some reason he thought that was a strain of herpes. He told me that in 1989 when he started dating the ex-wife that he went to get tested for STDs because he was "no angel." He told me that he had a real bad case of jock itch at some point. I saw a quiz on webMD that said with these factors is was more likely that he could have herpes.

The bottom line is that I am exhausting myself with thinking about what's going to happen. I'm not concentrating at work and I'm crying. I'm desperately trying to figure out what his chances of having herpes are, which I know no one can help me with.

ANYWAY, I want to revisit my statistic question with you. The point I was trying to make is this: the stats are based on the number of people with herpes out of the entire US population (i.e., 1 in 5 adults over the age of 12 is what webMD says). I think if the stats were just based on the number of people who have had multiple sex partners in their lives, then the amount of people (who are sexually active) with herpes would be more than 1 in 5 people. Am I correct? Am I making sense? Especially when you look at the webMD quiz, it asks if you've had more than 5 sex partners, ever had a rash, and didn't use condoms every time then you are more likely to have herpes.

Finally, although he's been real good about things and just asking for my patience, I'm thinking that if he doesn't have herpes and says he wants to continue dating me that I might not do it. I don't want to feel like he's constantly worrying about getting it and not touching me. I don't know if I can mentally handle it. He said when he read the Hepes Handbook it really freaked him out and sounded like a really bad situation to be in. UGH!

Two and a half days and counting! BTW, I decided that if I ever have to tell someone again that I'll approach it differently. I'm going to suggest we both get tested for STDs and to inlcude herpes first before I tell, that way if the other person has it, I won't have to go through this torture again.

THANKS!

if he doesn't have herpes, you can get his risk of contracting hsv2 from you down to 1%/year. why not pursue a relationship for a 1%? Ideal use of the bc pill is 1% risk of pregnancy while real use is actually 8%. Do we typically decide not to have sex because we don't trust the pill to keep us from being pregnant?

My only comment on your new idea for telling is - how do you sit there and tell them you knew you had hsv2? or if they test negative does that mean you'll just say good bye and move on?

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

Thanks Betsy. Yes, I gave him a print out of my other exchange with you on the stats on spreading if you use supressive therapy and condoms. So he has that info. I just got my valtrex rx and started it. My point is that if he doesn't have it, I just think he'll have a hard time being ok during sex. I keep visualizing this awkward reaching for the condom crap and that he won't want to touch me where it counts, if you know what I mean.

Time will tell.

Most of my relationships have been discordant relationships and it really hasn't been an issue. you are not a walking biohazzard - just remind both of yourselves about that! You are not contagious far more often than you are contagious

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and really hope this works out.
I know it's not the easiest thing to hear in the beginning but once you really get down to it, Betsy is correct. We all have baggage and sometimes it can't be controlled. Best of luck to you!