This is a bit long...so please bare with me...
It's been 2 years since I was diagnosed with HSV 1 in the genitals. Ever since then, my life has been filled with depression, anger, and a whole bunch of roller coasters of emotions. So I'll just get to the point. Once I got passed the fact that I have HSV 1 and came to accept it just a bit, my life seemed a bit more bearable. The STD doctor that I see regularly (considering the fact that I'm always quite paranoid that I have someone else) told me that my chances of transmitting the virus was approximately less than 2 %. I got HSV 1 when I was I believe 12 years old, when my stupid self decided to experiment and allow someone to give me oral. I was diagnosed with it when I 18, so it is safe to say that the virus had been in remission for 6 years. But ever since the initial outbreak 2 year agoÃ¢â‚¬Â¦IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never had an outbreak ever since and the nurse says I probably never will.
Fact: I know that it is way more likely to spread the HSV 1 virus if it is located on your lips than if HSV 1 were located on your genitals (because it is not in itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s site of preference).
Since then, I've had sex with 3 people. 1 of them being my ex boyfriend who left me when he found out but then came back because he felt a bit bad that he left me in the first place. Two years ago when I was diagnosed, he got tested; he came out negative. We had been having sex for a year and a half, and he didn't catch it. How? Why? I was just glad that I didn't affect him. The other 2 guys I had sex with, I did not tell them but I did use a condom at all times. Why? Because of utter fear and rejection. The two guys go to my college (although one transferred). The first guy, I know that if I do tell him, he'd tell the whole world. The second guy, who I believe is less of an jerk, would probably do just the same. The STD doctor told me that if I do have sex with the 2 individual men again, I would have to tell them my condition. If only it were that easy. Scared to death in the clinic, I promised that I wouldn't. I just recently had sex again with the second guy. And I don't believe I will ever have sex with him again due to the major depression that I have now from even having sex with him a second time. And of course, I USED A CONDOM. When we were about to have sex recently, I asked him if he had gotten tested, he replied with a Ã¢â‚¬Å“YesÃ¢â‚¬Â. I shouldÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been a bit more clear with my question. That yes couldÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve meant Ã¢â‚¬Å“YesÃ¢â‚¬Â for HIV testing or Ã¢â‚¬Å“YesÃ¢â‚¬Â for all the STD testing. When people go to the clinic to get tested, do they only get tested for HIV? Or everything including herpes? If so, that would mean he did not catch it the first time we had sex, which was about 5-6 months ago.
So my questions are the following: I know morally, that I should've let the 2 men that I slept with know that I had HSV 1, but the fear of it all is just too overwhelming. And considering the fact that the chances of transmission are so little (less than 2%) and that fact that I used protection, should I be worrying myself to the point of depression? I'm a bit aware of the static that about 80% of the population has HSV 1 orally, and IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m pretty sure they do not go around letting people know that they have cold sores (HSV 1) before they engage in sexual intercourse. So who is to say that I should be going around telling my whole business?(Although it is only right).
The first time around when I was first diagnosed with HSV 1 about 2 years ago, my boyfriend at the time came out negative. The second time around, which was about a year and a half after my initial outbreak, he has not gotten tested again. He said heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s gone to the doctor and requested to get the HSV 1 test done, but the doctor said there was no need to unless he showed symptoms. So my other question is this: is the reason why he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get the virus the first time around because the virus was in remission? Or is it because the virus is just that unlikely to be transmitted if HSV 1 is located in the genitals? AND ONCE AGAIN, I USED A CONDOM BOTH TIMES AROUND.
I'm confused, angry, and emotional all over again, as if it were 2 year ago when I first found out the agonizing news. I feel like I'm contributing to this whole cycle of genital HSV 1 spreading. I know I can not tell the 2 guys right now, because that would totally ruin my college reputation(if I had any).It would be very ironic if IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m killing myself worrying about this issue when in the end they may not have it at all. I know I will NOT be having sex with anyone from now on without letting them know first. This guilt is just too much. I really just want to crawl under a rock and hide or just give entirelyÃ¢â‚¬Â¦