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National Cervical Cancer Coalition


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:39 am 

Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am
Posts: 12
Location: NEW ENGLAND
:roll: I finally decided to get back into the game of dating, met this wonderful guy who I thought would take the news of Herpes..ok. He freaked out, admittedly. He said that he would worry about the risk too much to be with me intamitely and that it wouldn't work. After a day he contacted me and said that he felt really bad that I was disappointed and that he really thought about things but couldn't make it work.

I tried informing him more of the facts. I have HSV-1 and I discussed with him that we would use a condom and I would be on the pill anyway. We are very attracted to each other and like each other a lot after 2 weeks. He told me he wants to be friends and wants to still talk. We have been flirting online a lot and it is sad at times. Of course I want to be with him- I want him so bad!! I want to talk to him on the phone or see him still but he is afraid of leading me on and getting attached. We both agree that we would fall in love with each other if things continued on. It kills me to know that if I didn't have this or tell him I would be fast on my way with falling in love with this great guy. :oops:

I am torn about being friends with him because I want to be with him and care about him. I feel guilty about wanting to push him to have stronger feelings for me so he can reconsider his decision. Should I remain friends and hope for the best or cut my losses? Help me people you all seem like you no what you're talking about.... :o

_________________
I was diagnosed in 2006 after being with someone who possibly cheated on me and left me in the cold after hearing I had herpes. It was the worst type of rejection I have ever felt. I want to move on with my life so desperately.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 10:09 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
You have hsv1 genitally? How were you diagnosed as having it - lesion culture and typing or just blood test?

It sounds like this fellow is chosing to believe soceity's stigma about genital herpes and isn't willing to get himself tested and learn more about it. Trying to continue on as friends - would only be torture for you. Even though it will be hard - don't try to keep him in your life. End it clean and simple is my 2 cents. He'll just be keeping you from using your time and energy to find someone who is willing to get educated more on herpes and will want to be with you 100%. If you are going to be taking the time to dress nice, smell good and be absolutely charming for a fellow - make sure it's for someone who will give you their all - not someone who will constantly be thinking he doesn't want you intimately or who will even worse - sleep with you one night and then stop spending time with you afterwards out of fear - that's an even worse way to mess with your mind :(

If you do have hsv1 genitally - the chances of transmitting it to a partner are pretty low. For most folks with hsv1 genitally ob's are few and far between. It also doesn't shed very much which is why it's not likely to be transmitted to a partner. Also over half of adults in the US have hsv1 orally whether they can recall having active cold sores or not. If your partner tests + for hsv1 on a blood test then he's not likely to contract hsv1 genitally from you. It's always important to get a potential partner tested for herpes so that you know his status and can make informed decisions. Also you can still contract hsv2 genitally which would most likely result in more frequent recurrences so knowing your partner's hsv2 status is also important to you ( along with their full std status ).

Sorry this fellow isn't working out but really - if he's not willing to take the time to learn more about something as incredibly common as herpes - do you want him by your side for the long term?

betsy


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 Post subject: good input thanks
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 10:44 am 

Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am
Posts: 12
Location: NEW ENGLAND
:roll: I had lesions and a positive confirmatory blood test. My OB is a Nurse practicioner. She is wonderful. I thank god for her calming voice and reassurance.
I'm finding in the health care system NPs are more cosiderate with taking time then Drs.

I Do feel like I'm being tortured. I guess I am scared of another rejection by another guy. It Does seem like a minor issue with the low incidence of transmission. I work in health care so its like ignorance almost that people have. I am going to think long and hard about your suggestion. Thank god for you.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 4:52 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Did they type your lesions as hsv1? How long after the lesions did you have a blood test drawn? How often do you get ob's?

I know - I ask a heck of a lot of questions!!

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:17 am 

Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am
Posts: 12
Location: NEW ENGLAND
Yes, they typed me as HSV 1 . I ironically was due for my annual right when I had my first outbreak. When I went they diagnosed me based on symptoms. I went for a blood test that day and they called me with the results later in the week. I haven't had an outbreak since my first one in November. I feel lucky.
why do you ask? is that typical?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:58 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
If you had a blood test only a few weeks after a visual diagnosis of genital herpes - you should probably repeat it again to err on the side of caution. If you had never had a blood test for herpes before - there's no easy way to be sure that you just seroconverted quickly for hsv1 genitally or if you had hsv1 orally previously and never knew it and just hadn't seroconverted for hsv2 yet. It can take a few months for the blood tests to be accurate so it's well worth retesting to be sure.

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:11 pm 

Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am
Posts: 12
Location: NEW ENGLAND
I am confused because I figured my doctor would inform me if she thought I might also have HSV 2 and likewise want me to get tested. Wouldn't I also have ob's since November? :shock:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:16 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Not necessarily. Just be sure and follow up on this so you know for sure which type you have.

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 2:06 pm 

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:53 pm
Posts: 4
I am confused by all the concern over which type....I mean, she had lesions on her genitals cultured as herpes so whether it is type 1 or 2 is not really a huge difference. Either can be passed though type 1 may result in fewer outbreaks.

About this guy---I dated someone briefly who tried to be OK with it but later freaked out. It turns out he held out on disclosing to me that he is a bit of a hypochondriac. He kept saying he wanted to date but he would barely even hold my hand. All this REALLY hurt, it was like he was treating me like I was herpes, not like a person with it. For me, I decided this was simply not good enough for me and I deserve better than someone who can't get past what is basically a skin condition that a huge percentage of people have anyway. Really, I think this showed me a lot about his character and helped me to realize what I would have eventually even if H was not a factor: That he was not the right guy for me.

But whether YOUR situation is something you should even try to pursue I can't say. You deserve to have a wonderful FULL relationship with intimacy and good sex and all that. If he is unwilling to go there with you or even try to get over himself, is this really the relationship you want? All I do know is you deserve to have a full relationship.

And if you really want to try to make it work with this guy, he CAN work on his issues--have him visit this forum or got to other sites and have him talk to others who don't have H but are with someone who does. (I can tell you I have been with my husband for five years and he has not gotten it. The only precautions we take are that I take Valtrex--I'm bad about it, though, I only take it like every other day or so--and we don't have sex if I think I feel an outbreak coming on. It has been over 3 1/2 years since i have had an outbreak. We don't use condoms.)

Good luck......it is a tough situation. Don't let your fear of losing him dictate your actions, though.
:)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 2:06 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
"I am confused by all the concern over which type....I mean, she had lesions on her genitals cultured as herpes so whether it is type 1 or 2 is not really a huge difference. Either can be passed though type 1 may result in fewer outbreaks. "

type is important for several reasons. It's helpful for making educated decisions about which precautions to take with a partner and it's also helpful for deciding how to treat your herpes. Hsv1 genitally reoccurs much less often for the vast majority of people who have it and it also sheds much less so it's not likely to be transmitted from genitals to genitals. Also if your partner has hsv1 orally which the majority of adults do have - it's not likely they'll contract hsv1 genitally later on from you. Hsv2 sheds much more often and is more likely to be transmitted to a partner so daily suppressive therapy is often the better treatment option if you are in a discordant relationship. It also is important if you are hiv + too. Also hsv1 genitally does not protect you against hsv2 genitally so knowing which partner's type is helpful. If you have hsv1 genitally and your partner has hsv2 genitally - you might decide to still utilize full precautions to try to reduce your chances of contracting hsv2 from a partner.

betsy


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:09 pm 

Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am
Posts: 12
Location: NEW ENGLAND
Thanks for your write back. I am going to ask my doctor to retest me. Simply because it will bug me if I don't.

The guy and I are still talking everyday. He feels bad about telling me that the relationship won't work out. He said it was a difficult decision for him. He really wants to still be friends with me because he "loves talking to me". He is a caring and sweet guy and I know he didn't want to disappoint me.

I am keeping my doors open on this one. I care about him a lot and think he's a one of a kind person. I am pursueing other guys but also keeping my friendship. He actually recently opened up to me and told me he's only been with one woman. I think he doesn't want to be with me because if he gets H then it will be even harder for him to be with women.
I am putting trust in God that he knows whats best for me. I am relying on his strength to get me through the uncertainty of this situation.


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