I was diagnosed 2yrs ago. I was in a monogamous relationship (had been w/ him at that point for almost 4yrs). Once I found out (had an outbreak) he was tested and said that he had it too (he has never had an outbreak). Now I have ended the relationship (not necessarily due to this) and am moving out of state. Just recently he said that he lied those couple of yrs ago and really tested negative and went a mth ago and is still negative. I don't know if I believe him or not, he is not happy w/ me leaving for one, the other is, I don't know what his dr is telling him, or even if he went to get tested. I believe he is a carrier...b/c I have only had sex w/ 2 other ppl (my 1st we were each other's 1st, my 2nd we were each other's 2nd), he is the only one I could have gotten it from and he has been w/ 8 or so ppl in his lifetime.

Anyhoo, I was trying to move on from the first time I learned I had herpes, w/ him bringing this up, it made me feel like I did that first time all over again. I have not dealt w/ this diagnosis well. I have read other posts and I know that there may be some men out there that are okay being w/ a woman that has herpes, but I am actually scared to get to that point...where you have to tell them.

So...my first question is: How many times have you told ppl you are in a relationship with or wanted to have sex with, that you have herpes and how many turned you away? Is is possible to have a healthy sex life with someone?

I fear that the other person will always be thinking about me having herpes and him wondering if he'll get it. I'm also fearful of telling someone, them not wanting to be w/ me and then telling others, then being known as "the girl w/herpes". I'm at that age, 30 something, where getting married and having kids is something I am wanting to do soon, but I'm really scared that may not happen b/c I won't find someone who will want me.

Sorry this post is so long, I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Its easy for ppl who don't have herpes to say things will be okay, that I'll find someone, and if the guy doesn't want me after I've told him, then he's not the guy for me anyway. But honestly, I don't know as if I would want to be w/ someone that told me that either, whether I was educated or not. There is a risk involved as long as your with that person. As I said, I have not dealt w/ this diagnosis well. I thought this is something that would NEVER happen to me, I was careful, not many sex partners, been in long term relationships w/ my partners... I would have taken almost any other STD! Why did I get the one w/out a cure??!!!!

Thanks for any answers, insight or advice!!!

I'm going to address both of your posts here so we just have one post going. just easier to keep it all in 1 post.

it's totally up to you how you want to treat your herpes. If you aren't in a relationship, just treating ob's as you have them is a good option, especially if you aren't having them often to be overly bothered by them.

when you were diagnosed, what testing did you have done? do you know if you have hsv1 or hsv2 genitally?

when you are ready for a new relationship, keep in mind that you are not contagious 24/7/365 by no means! If you take daily suppressive therapy with valtrex, use condoms for sex and avoid sex anytime you have anything going on genitally, your partner is 99% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from you. that's the same odds of getting pregnant each year with ideal use of the pill.

As for myself, I've only ever had 2 fellows decide that my herpes was too much for them. all the rest were fine with it. it's not really been a big issue for me. Most of my friends with herpes have had similar success though honestly most of them haven't even been turned down that often because of their herpes. When you have your "talk" with a new partner, remember this is not a confession, it's a discussion and it's far more than just your genital herpes - it's about std's in general. Their status is just as important as yours and in fact you can argue even more important because you having herpes makes you more vulnerable to std infection in general, especially hiv. It's so much more than just you knowing you have herpes! Also it's ok to say that you trust that they realize this is private information you are giving them and you trust that they'll respect your privacy as you plan on respecting theirs.

Sorry to hear that your current relationship isn't working out It's hard to deal with a break up no matter what the cause and when a partner is playing games like yours seems to be, makes it even harder.

betsy

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ASHA Moderator

I was told in December of 2008 that I was infected with the HSV2 virus, since then I have only told 3 people, one a good friend that I trust completely and one turned out not to be such a great guy, he didn't care that I had HSV2, he was just a complete fraud, someone who I think literally crawled out from under a rock, he hated who he was so much that he lied about his entire life, he made himself into something he wasnt, he wanted everyone to believe that he was this extremely successful person and he didn't have a pot to pee in, he peed in his moms pot..lol. Anyway, then I met the guy I'm with today and I feel extremely blessed to have met him, some people's advice is to wait a few months before you tell him, well I believe that you should not wait that long, I actually told him the third time I saw him, which was the first time I came over to his house. He told me that he was blown away by my honesty and that he knew I was a good person, I told him that I felt it only right to tell him up front, because I didn't want him to get invested in this relationship only to find out months later that I had HSV2, I didn't think it would have been fair to him or honest for that matter not to tell him, I felt like I would have been deceiving him. Anyways, I was scared to tell him, because you don't know how that person is going to react. He told me that me having herpes wasn't going to run him off, we didn't have sex for a couple of weeks, he wanted to go and talk to his doctor about the best way to protect himself so we did a lot of kissing, cuddling and talking and it was great. He got his information from his doctor and we have been together ever since, it is our one year anniversary this month, we live together and neither one of us worries about herpes. I just want you to know that it is scary to tell someone, but if you do and do it in the beginning of your relationship they will trust you and respect you for it. If that person decides its not worth the risk don't give up, I know it will hurt but always believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will find your light and he will shine bright in your life, and hes not going to look at you and think herpes everytime, he will look at you and think wow what an amazing person you are and feel blessed for falling in love with you. Having herpes isn't the end of the world and it dosen't change who you are as a person. I wish you the best of luck in your future and may you also find happiness.