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National Cervical Cancer Coalition

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 Post subject: how to deal
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 2:19 pm 

Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2009 3:36 pm
Posts: 1
I am a man who had sex with a woman who has HPV. If she had told me she had HPV before I slept with her I would never have done it. However, three weeks after I had sex with her, her friend tells me that she had HPV while she was having protected sex with me. So now I am done with this girl.

I am not a promiscuous person. I had sex with less than a handful of women. I have no male friends or acquaintances that I know of who have dealt with this same situation. I have no idea if I even have something to be worried about; no lesions, no warts.

Because of how betrayed and hurt I felt when I found out, I could never not tell a future partner that I may have the virus. God-forbid I pass it along and some girl ends up with cervical cancer; I couldn't live with myself.

The asha website says that a person does not have HPV anymore when your "immune response suppresses the infection." Does anyone know when that is? I am in college and I had to go to a school doctor to get checked. Basically some guy who I have never met touched my balls and penis and told me there is nothing I can do to know whether or not I have it. Then he told me if I never get a genital wart or lesion in the next 3-5 years I 'probably' don't have it anymore.

Basically right now I have accepted the fact that I may have an STD and right now I feel that I could never have a relationship with a girl because I would never want to hurt her. What could I say? If I date a girl for a little, then she and I want to take it to the next level, how could I tell her I may have a virus that could give her cervical cancer? How could she ever consent to doing anything sexual with me? And if she would be fine with the risk, I don't think I would be fine with being with a girl who was stupid enough to risk her health for me.

Another thing, if HPV is a skin-to-skin contact virus, could it be passed thru kissing, cunnilingus, or fellatio? If I was in a relationship with a girl and she knew I had HPV but still wanted to be with me even though she knew I was not going to have sex with, could I still go down on her? Is it only my pubic region that carries the virus? (more importantly, could she go down on me?)

After having sex with this girl and before knowing I may have been infected, I had protected sex with a girl whom I previously had relations with. Now I feel the guilt that I may have infected her. We didn't leave on good terms and I would really appreciate some advice on how to call up an ex-lover and inform them that while I had sex with her last I may have exposed her to HPV, a virus that has been known to cause cervical cancer.

I am very depressed, and I feel more alone than I ever have. If someone who has been down this path before could offer me some peace of mind I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:28 am 
Site Admin

Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:08 pm
Posts: 2122
Location: North Carolina
Hi nwg,

Thanks for your post and sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Ok, you have been through a lot, my friend. I'm going to challenge some of the assumptions I think you are making, simply to offer another way of looking at things.

It isn't clear if the girl in question has HPV now, or had it in the past and has subsequently cleared the infection. Even if she does have HPV at present, it doesn't mean you contracted the virus after one or two sexual encounters.

Virtually all sexually active people have one or more HPV infections throughout their lives; it's simply a marker for having been sexually active. The vast majority of HPV infections clear harmlessly and anonymously in 6-24 months, and cervical cancer is a RARE outcome of HPV infections.

Telling a partner or not is up to you; few if any experts would urge you to do so for ethical reasons based on a "maybe" case. Just know there likely is no imminent risk you place to anyone's health. The future partner(s) you're worried about, to be honest, probably already have the virus.

Also difficult to urge you to contact this other recent partner. You have to weigh all that I've mentioned about HPV with the fact you might cause her enormous stress and worry that far outweighs any risk. There isn't much she can do other than her regular Pap testing, which she should be doing anyway.

Post again and let me know what you think.


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