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National Cervical Cancer Coalition


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 Post subject: at my wit's end
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:59 am 

Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:51 pm
Posts: 2
Location: Pittsburgh
I desperately need some answers, please. I will give a quick history. 5 years ago, my boyfriend of 25 years, the father of my 3 children, decided he didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore. After 3 months, I started dating again, the relationship got intimate after 2 months or so. In the meantime, my ex and I decided that we could 'hook up' for casual sex and that if we wanted to see other people, we would be honest with each other and we would stop. I terminated the 'other' relationship just to be with my ex. 3 months later, he developed a sore on his penis and immediately accused me of giving him 'something'. Without hesitation, I went to my gyne, had a swab test and blood test done. All came back negative. Even after seeing the results, he still accused me! 6 months later, I had to make him go to the doctor. His test came back positive for herpes. Since then, I've had 2 more swabs and 2 more blood tests, again, all negative. To this day, he still accuses me of giving him herpes and he has our 13 year old son convinced of it too. I try to bite my tongue when my ex makes his nasty remarks to me because we still have to see each other because of our children. He also admitted to having a one night stand when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, 20 years ago. So, this is where I have questions...
Can herpes lay dormant for 20 + years?
Can I be a carrier without showing positive?
Is there a way that I can get him to stop harassing me? He also has his mother convinced that I passed it to him.
Thank you in advance for any information you can give me!


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 Post subject: Re: at my wit's end
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:26 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
He could've had hsv2 prior to meeting you and never knew it or he could've contracted it from another partner.

It's totally inappropriate for your ex to be discussing the way he contracted genital herpes with your son. He shouldn't be discussing this with him. Yes it's ok to be talking about sex and if he feels it was appropriate to say that he has herpes that's fine but he shouldn't be saying things like "your mom gave me herpes but is denying it" or anything like that. It's a personal and adult topic that should never involve any of your children like this. Children should not be put in the middle of things like this and feel like they need to take sides. Best you can do if he won't stop it is to go into family counseling - either with or without their dad. If you are testing negative repeatedly on the blood tests then he didn't contract it from you! He shouldn't be trying to turn the children against you. Sounds like he just is trying to look like a better person than he is. it's a coping mechanism some folks use - they put the blame that is theirs to shoulder on someone else. Not very effective in the long run of course.

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: at my wit's end
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:27 am 

Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:51 pm
Posts: 2
Location: Pittsburgh
Thank you for responding so quickly! Every time I tell him and show him that I am not responsible for his 'hibbity jibbity' as I call it, he tells me that he'll go to his grave believing that I did! *shrug*
I did try the therapist thing a few years ago, she talked with him, then pulled me aside and told me to get away from his as soon as possible, that he is a ticking time bomb! Unfortunately, financially I can't really afford to leave. Trust me, I would have been gone a very long time ago.
Last time he pulled the accusations, I threatened to file protection from abuse paper's on him. It seems that I will have to do that and work something out to where he can still see the kids, without involving me.
Thank you so much again! This board is wonderful and filled with information that the 'old school' CNP's are unaware of. The CNP that he went to told him that there is no way that this could lay dormant for 20+ years, then looked me dead in the face and said 'someone is lying'. The horrified look on my face should have given something away, she was oblivious as to what can of worms she just opened. Since then, I pulled myself and my children out of that practice and have wanted to write the main doctors a note telling them what exactly had happened, hoping they'll have her update her education on STD's and make her aware of how she has completely made my life miserable for the past five years because of her ignorance.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!
Kim


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 Post subject: Re: at my wit's end
PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:04 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Unfortunately many providers aren't up to date about herpes :( I'd guess if someone was lying, it was hubby and that he contracted it from a partner besides you at some point during your relationship.

If their dad is a ticking time bomb, them maintaining a relationship with him might not be in their best interest. Making sure they are talking to a professional so that he doesn't "poison" them is often a decent idea though finding a good therapist/counselor who doesn't add to their problems/create new ones isn't always so easy :( If he has mental issues that need dealt with you can even talk to your lawyer about having visitation being provisional - as long as he's under therapy and keeps up with appointments he can have visitation.

Never easy to deal with all of this :( You know you don't have herpes though so whatever stories he wants to keep telling, you know that they aren't due to you.

betsy

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