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 Post subject: I'm new here...
PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:13 pm 

Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:59 pm
Posts: 2
Location: west
Hello Everyone!

I have been reading many of your posts and trying to keep things straight...so, I will give you some background of my 'story' and then pose some questions I have "after all this time"...

I was in a monogamous relationship (or so I thought) for ~13 yrs. Then that's when the bomb dropped! To make a long story short I was so in love with this man that I would've done anything to save our marriage and family. Needless to say I did something I deeply regret and am now still paying the price for it after 10 years. I was diagnosed with hsv1 genitally 10 yrs. ago this month. I contracted it during a sexual encounter with another female and my (then) husband. Obviously she was in the shedding stage and didn't know it. I will never forget the pain and embarassment. We tried for a long time to 'work things out' but I was tired of his infidelity and finally found the courage to leave him (and this was after a second child was born to us). I have not had an outbreak since the initial one. I did go to my GYN who tested me during the initial active outbreak whom told me that it was +hsv 1. I didn't know that you could have this type in the genital area. After I healed my husband and I never had protected sex and to this day I do not know if he is + for the virus or not. I never noticed anything orally on him or genitally. Is it possible that he did not contract it from me? I barely talk to him and am still very bitter that I am the one PAYING for his infidelity until the day I die. I feel ashamed and it's still very embarassing for me. I'm still having a hard time accepting this.
I spent the last 5 yrs. going to school and making a career change so I that I could stand on my own and take care of myself and my children. That didn't leave any time for meeting or dating anyone (actually I probably avoided it). However, I met a wonderful person in Sept. 2010 and am trying to find a way to explain all of this to him and to let him know that I have this virus.

Can someone give any suggestions as to what basic information I should give him? Hopefully I will get a positive response from him and some questions of which I will probably need your help answering ( as I am trying to get a better understanding)?


I want to THANK YOU each and every one for sharing your thoughts and experiences, and for this message board. I was looking for a support group to attend but have not been able to find one.

Does anyone know of any support groups in the Maryland area?

Thanks so much,
justnotsure


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 Post subject: Re: I'm new here...
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 7:59 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
You can check the main asha site under the herpes support groups to see if there is a support group near you.

So how do you talk about your genital hsv1 with your new partner? well keep in mind that your genital herpes is only a part of what you need to be talking about with him. Discuss all std's with him as well as condom use and birth control. He'll need to get tested to see what his status is too to see if he has hsv2 or hsv1 himself. You two can't make educated decisions until you know who has what. Make sure he gets a full std screening and if you haven't had one since your marriage ended, make sure you cover all the bases too. Usually std testing just includes testing for 2 or 3 std's and leaves a lot out so you have to be aware of exactly what you are getting tested for.

It's not unusual that your hsv1 hasn't reoccurred. About half of folks who contract it, never get another recognizable recurrence of it. It also doesn't shed very often so the likelihood of transmitting it to a partner overall is very low. If your partner tests + for hsv1 on his blood tests, it won't be an issue much at all in your relationship other than if you have anything going on genitally, err on the side of caution and avoid sex.

Have you talked to a therapist /counselor at all about your marriage so you can deal with all the baggage from it?

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: I'm new here...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 6:24 pm 

Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:59 pm
Posts: 2
Location: west
Hi Betsy,

Yes, I went to counseling for over a year dealing with those emotions....what I need to deal with is accepting that I have this virus and the the stigma that comes along with it that's been around since the dawn of civilization. I hear jokes and remarks all the time and it hits home, but no-one knows. However, I don't think it's not a topic for casual conversation.

After all this time it's hard for me to believe that he never contracted it from me. I will be going to the doctor to get tested for "everything" just so I can have peace of mind. So, my question is...what do I tell them to test for specifically?

Another question I didn't ask in my original post is this...what are the chances of me contracting it orally after having intercourse and then oral sex, or kissing after oral sex? I know you said in your response that it doesn't shed often and the chances of transmitting it to a partner are very low...but is there any research that gives any indication of how often it may?

There are so many little details that I want to know about the in's and out's of this virus...I just want to be educated and careful. However, it seems when I try to do research on hsv1 I get a lot of details on hsv2; not specific details on hsv1. Do you have any suggestions as to where I can find some of this info?

Thanks so much,
justnotsure


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 Post subject: Re: I'm new here...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:44 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
You need tested for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, hiv and hepatitis.

If you don't already have hsv1 orally yourself, it's low risk of you contracting it orally now from a partner. What few studies we have show that anywhere from 1/4 - 2/3's of people who contract hsv1 genitally, also have it orally. Most folks don't get obvious cold sores to know that they are also infected orally and no easy ( or cheap ) way to determine if you only have it genitally or not. I usually recommend that partners discuss together if it's worthwhile only having protected oral sex if the other partner is hsv1 negative. totally up to the 2 of you.

betsy

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