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 Post subject: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 9:02 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Hi Betsy,

I don't understand why I think too much about herpes. It seems to happen when I am stressed. A friend of mine have lied to me. I have known him for 20 years. I feel deceived. All of a sudden, I am thinking that may noone will want if they find out I have herpes. I don't think this way when I feel people care about me. It is only when I am not satisfied in my relationships, I start thinking about herpes too much. What if he finds out, can I handle another rejection?

Can you give me some suggestions on how to cope.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 6:52 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
I think sometimes folks focus on their herpes just because it's an easy target. Even though the rational part of your mind knows it's really not a big deal and won't be the reason why you spend saturday nights home alone, it' s just something that is easy to use for those "oh woe is me" days.

have you thought about talking to a professional to learn some better coping styles in general? It's totally up to you how you handle stress and if you find yourself falling back on thinking herpes is an awful thing that happened to you, it's up to you to find something else to do instead.

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:58 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Hi Betsy,

If there were other people to go out with and if I can find new friends, I wouldn't be sitting here on Sat. nights. This is the problem. Too much time to think and no one to do things with. Like I said, a friend of mine who I thought was my friend has lied to me so I don't spend time with him. There is an empty spot. That is all.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 9:02 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Oh, one more thing, I do try to find other things to do right now. Actually, Tonight on Sat., I did go for a walk for a few hours and actually ran into a gym friend, I talked with her for awhile. This has helped me with my lonenliness.

Anyway, I know it is going to take a bit of time to spend time with others because I use to spend a lot of time with the wrong friend. Please don't judge me, I am only asking for support from you and not to be judged. Thank you very much but no thanks.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:20 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
I'm going to reply to your other question about finding a counselor here instead of in the other post.

You don't need a counselor that specializes in std's to see. typically herpes is just one part of the big picture and they don't need to know much about herpes specifically to be able to help you cope with it. They are all trained in dealing with patients with medical issues.

Please don't feel like I am judging you either. You asked for suggestions and I gave them.

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:17 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Hi Betsy,

But I did feel judge by the comment when you said something about generalizing how people are hard on themselves. I don't like being put in that category and be compared with. If I have a problem, I need to ask of a concerned response and that I am being heard about my concern. I felt judged and to tell me not to feel this way. Sorry, but I do feel this way. First of all, it is hard to open up to a counsellor on this issue because I will be taking such a great risk especially when they don't understand or may judge me. I don't like seeing a people with no knowledge of this problem. This is whay I am emailing you. You seem to be knowledgeable on STI issues. Please understand me please Bestsy.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:26 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Another thing Betsy, please read again my reply to you. I mention a guy who facilitates a support group and he didn't show any concern about me looking for a counsellor. He is saying if you are looking for a councellor I charge $25. I found out he lied about it and I reported to someone, like my doctor. My doctor suggested Hassle Free clinic. They had counsellors there but the problem I can't see someone on a ongoing bases. Private counsellor you have to be careful about since in Canada it it is a clinic they all share files and will see information on me. It is not that pricate here. I don't know if you know about our health care system. It is very different here in Canada compared to the United States. I hope this clears up any misunderstandings. I rather use this website which is specifically for people like me. Ha ha.

Please don't refer me to someone else when you are the expert on this issue.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:18 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
Not too much I can help you with other than to educate you on herpes and how to treat it. Anything above that if you are having problems with dealing with the idea of having herpes, you need to seek out counseling on your own. This is a free service here on the forum and can't replace professional help.

betsy

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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:53 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
first of all, I am not looking for councelling since you are the one who suggested it not me. I am just looking for support. I do not have a real problem with herpes. I am feeling better now about myself. It is just when there is a crises there is this thought about it that is all. I don't understand your lack of understanding?

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 8:46 am 
Site Admin

Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:08 pm
Posts: 2122
Location: North Carolina
anne marie,

A couple of thoughts after reading your posts. Sometimes we engage in "all or nothing" thinking about any number of things, and sometimes this happens with herpes. What I mean by "all or nothing" is when we think things like I'll never ever be able to do this or that and so on. The reality is that herpes, while certainly bringing some challenges, does not keep anyone from friendship, dating, sex, marriage, having kids, whatever.

I know that you understand all that, but on some level it can be hard to accept. One thing you can do is to pay attention to what you're thinking and to challenge any thoughts that seem to be in the all or nothing category. "I'll never have anyone again" might become "some speed bumps for sure along the way, but plenty of others have found friends and lovers, and I can too." See how that works.

Hope that helps,
Fredo

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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:16 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Hi Fredo,

Thank you for your positive reply. I wasn't aware of this all or nothing thinking. Yes, I do tend to think "what if he finds out, it will be over".
Also, I find now that I am trying to meet someone, on dating site, blind dates a few times, if it doesn't work out, I feel maybe I am not attractive anymore. I don't know if it is the fear of H that is causing this insecurity. Yet, I am aware of this.

The thought, yes, meet him first which is stressful and trying to get over the hurdle of worrying if he will like me or not.

Now, what if he likes me and I like him, uum, then the H comes up.

Are there any suggestions on coping with these insecurities. I am trying to work on avoiding the all or nothing thought. Actually, before I would not even go on a blind date for the fear of man knowing about my H. So therefore, I am getting over that hurdle where I am taking risks now to at least meet the man. Yet, I feel a lot of anxiety while I am doing this. Not easy. Maybe I need to go in baby steps.

Thanks,

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:13 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
Hi Fredo,

I was speaking with some people on MPWH, and they had some bad experiences with men where the men walked away from the relationship because they had the talk. I went onto the site for support and they gave me some suggestions on when it is the best time to tell some. I learned a few things yet, I wish there were people to talk with from Toronto, Canada here but most of the people are from the United States. Why is Canada so behind in this? There is not a site for Canadians only. Do you know why this is?

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:17 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 5443
Location: PA
there used to be a pretty big herpes support group in toronto. did you look for them online?

betsy

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ASHA Moderator


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:37 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
No, I found anything online here Betsy for support.

Anita


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 Post subject: Re: stressed on herpes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:38 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 37
Location: toronto
I haven't found anything.

Anita


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