I was diagnosed with herpes about 2 weeks ago. I have been having sores for years and was cultured 10 years ago but the results were negative and I was told the sores were caused by yeast infections. I am a widow of six years and I didn't start dating again until 4 months ago. The man I have been seeing was wonderful and we were having such a good time until Dec. 11th when I broke out with 7 ulcers (I had never had more than 1 ulcer at a time). I went to the doctor because it was so terrible. I was recultured and tested positive for herpes. When I told the guy I was seeing he broke off the relationship. I am devastated that I was just restarting my life and now I have this disease that scares men away. I know a few friends that have it or their partner has it and I was so hopeful that my relationship would work out like their's did but no such luck. Now I am really scared to think how will I meet someone and eventually tell them this when it has already ruined this relationship.

Hello Susan,

Welcome to our message boards. What you're going through now isn't easy, we know, especially regarding your relationship.

We know of countless folks who contacted us shortly after being diagnosed and were concerned about future dating. Most of them have been able to find partners and relationships in which herpes isn't a great issue. It takes education, trust, and communication - to be fair, it doesn't always work out so easily and, as you experienced, some partners don't respond well. Still, there are things you can do that will help.

Understand that while the risks of transmission cannot be 100% eliminated, the use of latex condoms and daily medication can reduce the risks greatly. Another thread on this board addresses this at http://www.ashastd.org/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=19. Read the "Fredo" posts about prevention strategies, and those on how to talk with a new partner about herpes. This will be a good starting point and as questions or the need for support arise, you can continue to visit and post on this board.

You're not alone in this and we're very glad you're here!

Best,
Fredo

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ASHA Moderator

Thank you for your reply and support. It is so helpful to know I am not alone and there is hope.

You are most welcome! Please visit often and post whenever there's something you'd like to discuss.

Fredo

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ASHA Moderator

i'm right there with ya, susan, worrying about future relationships.

i read somewhere that if one or both partners wear underwear, eg, crotchless panties, to cover areas that are not covered by a condom, that this will reduce the risk of skin to skin contact.

i just like to have some information handy for a future prospect so he doesn't think the situation is hopeless. anybody have any experience/insight with wearing undies during intercourse?

Been there!!! I am so sorry for everything you are going through. When I was first diagnosed the wisdom given to me was that if someone was going to run away because of the H then they aren't the right one for me anyway. Easier said than felt. I found a local support group and social group of other folks that had H and registered on mpwh.net. I figured if a meet someone who also has H, that takes the issue out of the equation and i don't have to stress about telling them or what their reaction will be, etc. I am now married to someone who does not have H but had I not regained my confidence through these other avenues, this may not have happened. Good luck and keep the faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Thanks for writing - it is nice to know there is hope for the future. I also joined mpwh.net and have been seeing a guy I met there and it is nice not to have to worry about the H in the equation

In 20 years of having hsv2 - I've only had 1 fellow decide the risk was too much. It really isn't the deal breaker that folks assume it will be. All my long term relationships have been with hsv2 negative partners too. Don't let yourself think of yourself as being a walking herpes biohazzard!! it's not contagious 24/7 and even the simplist of precautions does go a long, long way in protecting a partner. Yeah this first one ran for the hills - his loss! He's actually much safer being with someone who is aware of their status than he is with someone who doesn't know and isn't going to be making the effort to avoid sex during obvious symptoms and is actually at higher risk with them. Studies have shown that over 90% of those who have hsv2 - have no idea until they are tested. Misdiagnosed by medical professionals is one of the major reasons why folks aren't properly diagnosed Since 1 in 4 females in the US have hsv2 - it's pretty hard not to be dating someone with it at some point in your life - you can run all you want but you can't hide from this common viral infection.

It's never easy to talk about having a sti in a new relationship but if we had all been in the habit of talking about it and getting tested - there wouldn't be a need for this message board.

betsy

Here are some items for anyone interested to keep in mind regarding talking to a new partner about herpes:

-It can be challenging and scary, but know that it is done by people every day with good results.

-Having the discussion sometime prior to sexual activity is best for many reasons. But, bringing it up right before sex and/or in the heat of the moment is not the best approach. Just picking a good time when you think the relationship is moving toward sexual activity is best.

-In terms of location, a private place where there can be open and free discussion is best. In the restaurant - probably not good! Likewise, over the phone, email or text messaging are not good ideas. Face-to-face and private are ideal.

-Let's think about dating for a second. Different couples become sexually active at different times. Some couples may have sex on the first date, the 3rd month, a year after dating, not until after marriage, etc. Every couple is different. Use the dating process for what it's for - getting to know someone. You may go out for a period of time and realize that a person is not someone you wish to be with sexually and there would be no need to bring the topic up.

-Some have said that a person should disclose their herpes diagnosis on the first date and/or that a person is not being honest if they don't talk about it real soon even when sexual activity is not part of the equation. Disregard those comments. There is no timeline to follow; it's different for each couple. Remember that sharing this type of info is sharing personal information and like other personal information, it should be shared with those whom you can trust. We recommend waiting until you and your partner have come to know each other well enough to have this type of personal discussion. Bottom line is that you want them to get to know you for who you are - and you want to get to know them for who they are.

-Remember too that it should not be a confessional, as you are not apologizing or confessing anything. Having herpes does not mean a person has done something wrong. It's about contracting a condition from having sexual activity. There are many different opinions about when, how and with whom people should have sex, but the bottom line is that sexual activity is a natural act that most everyone will have at some point in their lives. With sexual activity anywhere by anyone, there is some level of risk.

-As touched on in a previous post, discussion about a herpes diagnosis to a new partner shows honesty and trust - both are good for any healthy relationship. Many if not most partners appreciate the fact that this is brought up, and realize that you're putting their welfare and the relationship's ahead of your own. This can set the tone for open and honest communication in other areas of the relationship.

-Most people are mainly worried about their partner getting herpes - it's admirable to be concerned about a partner and their best interest. But, it's also good to be concerned about your own health and well-being, so please make any conversation a two-way discussion. Your partner could have already contracted herpes or another STI (most people who have herpes do not know it).

-A partner will likely have some misinformation, misconceptions or preconceived notions about herpes. Many people have heard things about herpes that are either taken out of context or simply not true, so it is best to be prepared to address some questions. In terms of getting educated, give them some specific places to turn. Don't just say go check the internet - that's where lots of misinformation exists. ASHA's website and resources are an option - we often receive calls and emails from partners looking to educate themselves.

-That's the key - education. A potential partner would take an important and crucial step by just getting some facts.

-Feel free to check out the section on our website that discuses various issues including partner communication: http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_em ... onship.cfm.

Thanks,
Mike

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ASHA Message Board Moderator

EXCELLENT post Mike!!! You should anchor that one at the top!

betsy

I agree!!

This is an excellent thread and one I may have to link to from my site as well.

Angela

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Herpes Help

Susan,
My heart and prayers are with you (and all). I was just diagnosed with HSV2 last week after only being with two people my whole life-my sixteen year old marriage ended one and a half years ago, and just recently had my first experience since. He told me he was monogamos, and I believed him, but that did turn into "for now". I broke it off and I was retested. This was the third time testing since ending my marriage after my husband had an affair. I had always had a negative result in all catagories including HIV, so as I am sure you can relate, I was numb. Being responsible, I told the man. I can tell he blames me, although, knowing his past and knowing he has had a one night stand as well as other lovers it could just as easily have been him. I refuse to blame. Anyway, I guess I relate to you because I am trying to process this in a healty way. It is a responsibility, sharing your body and obviously lessoned learned one not to take to hastily of lightly. But we learn, and educate ourselves and move on. We are not alone, will not be. When we meet the one that understands, we have met the one capable of true love and acceptance. After all love takes commitment, communucation and work. Always believe in your worth, herpes does not define the person you are inside.

Also....just want to point out that while we all worry so much about telling a potential partner, sometimes it doesn't occur to us that that person is worried about telling us something. I used to say that the best reaction someone could have to me telling them I have H was to say "Hey. me too". I actually have a good friend who got to the point of wanting to tell her boyfriend she has H. Turns out he was trying to muster his own courage to tell her he has HPV.....

Since you seem to have had this for years, I would get a bloodtest to see which type you have. That will help you in explaining the risks and such to potential partners. There is the typical HSV 2 which causes most genital outbreaks. However, people with HSV 1 (cold sores) can transmit HSV1 to the genitals by performing oral sex on someone. That's what I have.

I'm guessing that when you had your first culture, there wasn't enough active virus to test positive. They get the best cultures within 24 to 48 hours.

Men will want to be with you. I've not had any problems in telling people. Helps weed out the bad ones. I would start with educating yourself though. The info on the asha website is excellent. I referred to it quite often when I was first diagnosed.

Last evening I found out that I have tested positive for H. The lab didn't do a specific test to see which one I have so I had to go back for another test. I should know by 3/20 or 3/21 which one I have. The only reason I asked for a H test is that I developed a rash around my anal area and was concerned. The doctor said that it DOES NOT look like H ob. I have NEVER had a sore. I am 46 years old and do get occasional tears around the vagina area. While they are tender and somewhat raw, I had never thought about it being H. I have NEVER had anal sex of any kind. I have done some reading about the tears, that they could be atypical H or just hormonal imbalance. Well.....I'm so devastated with the result of the blood test. I've been trying to read all the posts here and they have been very helpful but overwhelming as well. I told my bf this morning and he was very hurt. He said we would talk more about it this evening. I just wonder how long I've had this? I just can't believe this is happening.

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Linda Lou